Homecoming

Homecoming. This was probably the first time I had felt anything negative toward Arah. Ever. It was petty and stupid, but I was also 17 years old. I really didn't have a lot of.. what's the word..tact. Sometimes, I swear I still don't have it. Either way, it was a really good night, and the negative was totally overshadowed. I guess I should explain how we ended up going to homecoming. But, I feel like I need to back up a little. Before our first date. And I apologize if this is a little scattered. The memories just sort of come back with other triggers, and then the order gets all skiwhompus.
So, when I turned 16, my sister and I had a huge party! We invited around 50 people which is really just a TON of teenagers. I remember that 40 or so people showed up. It was a pretty sweet party. I remember the colors, black, white, and red. We had a doughnut tower instead of cake, a ton of food, guitar hero in one room, movies downstairs, and just people milling around. I had invited Arah, but I wasn't sure he was going to come. It had been a while since I'd seen him.And, I knew he had mentioned a girl from school he was sort of seeing. What I didn't expect is that he would bring her.  and my heavens if she didn't have stink face. I automatically didn't like her. And I was a little frustrated that he wanted to bring her. So, if I am being completely honest with you, I ignored him, and also tried to make him a little jealous. I had a lot of guy friends back in those days.
Okay! After that little event, he and I started talking about Prom. He was taking one of his sister's friends. Only because they had known each other for a while. Not because he liked her. I believe we started talking about how he would be on his mission by the time I could actually go to prom. So he promised me that he would take me to homecoming. I was so worried he would forget. My worry grew when we moved from American Fork to Riverton High. That was a really long drive to make for a dance. But, he still came. I thought that was really sweet.
At Riverton, I had one friend. Mesha. She and I weren't as close and we would eventually be, but she was pretty much the only reason I was going to homecoming. Well, that and the fancy dress I would get to wear. Every girl wants the opportunity to dress up for a boy, to see his face and what not. We'll, I had spent the day tanning, and then going to the salon to get my hair done. That woman who did my hair was just like.. a magician. I wish I could remember her name. I did run into her at the store once! Maybe two months after that? It was so random. But, really good to see her!
Anyways, it was lucky because I had gone to the bank earlier that day and pulled out a small amount of emergency cash. Thirty dollars. When we go to the dance, he told me he hadn't brought any cash. Just his debit card. Now that I look back, I don't know if he was expecting me to pay, or if he really thought they would be able to run his card. I don't know. But I was so mad because I had to pull out my little amount of money to pay for us to get into the dance. Luckily it was exactly enough.
We didn't do pictures because we weren't sure about them accepting a card, and also the line was HUGE. We didn't want to spend the whole night just standing in line. We wanted to dance!
And that's what we did! We were only at the dance for maybe an hour or so, and then decided that we would go get dinner. Thank goodness restaurants accept cards. Otherwise, it would have been another stop to the bank so I could pay for that, too.
We went to Red Robin, (where I was currently employed) and ate. Afterward, we went back to my house. Oh man, I wish I could remember exactly what was going through my head that night. All I knew is I'd had spanx on for HOURS,  I had to pee, and no matter how pretty I looked, I wanted my hair out of the updo, and I wanted OUT of that dress. So I went and changed, and went out to sit on the couch with Arah. He and I worked on getting my hair out of the mess and I swear I rubbed my scalp for five minutes straight once it was out. This was another night that I think could have.. escalated. But I was still so scared! I didn't feel ready to kiss or anything.
So I pretended I was tired. I did lead my head on his shoulder and just closed my eyes. I don't remember if he held my hand, or played with my hair, or anything. I do remember him touching me, in an innocent way, and I loved it. After we sat on the couch until 1:30am, he decided it was time for him to go home. I really didn't want him to though because he was REALLY cozy.
But, I walked him upstairs and to the front door. We said goodnight.
I saw him maybe one more time after that.
It was after I moved to Spanish Fork. Really. He was spectacular. No matter where I was living, he always made time to visit every once in a while. We texted a LOT too.
He was moving from his dorm back to his parents house in order to go on his mission. He'd gotten his call already. Switzerland! He was so excited, and I was excited for him! Well, he'd left his printer at his dorm and asked if I had wanted to go with him to get it. I said sure, and got all dolled up. He picked me up and we drove to Provo to the BYU campus. Now, when we went there, I didn't realize that we would be running into a ton of people in his dorm. Like, his room mates, their girlfriends, and their neighbors. I had never felt so young. And I felt so awkward!
It probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time, but for that hour or so, I was just in agony! I wanted to curl up and die! Also, one of his ex-girlfriends was there! Heavens it was so awkward. But they asked me a few questions, and I did what I (still) do best: observed. Eventually, we left, and I voiced my opinions to him. He said it wasn't a big deal and not to worry. So, I didn't.
I don't think we got to see each other again. I mean, I saw him when he gave his farewell talk.
But, you know how the family usually hosts a party at their house after the talk? Well, I debated for HOURS if I was going to go or not. My mom was going to drop me off and everything. But, I couldn't do it. His friend Shawn, who was the only other one of his friends I knew, was already on his mission. And I really didn't want it to be like the time I went to his dorm. I am not very good in those kind of social settings. I felt bad, and it's one of my life's regrets.
Later that night, I got a message from him saying he was sorry I didn't come. I apologized. I can't remember if I told him the truth or if I came up with something else to justify my non-appearance. And of course, he left on his mission a few days later. Before he did, I told him I was going to wait and that I would write to him. I was put on his families email list so that I could get updates about his address and what not.
That is where my two year wait began.

The Beginning

When you’re young, you think you know everything. You know what’s best for you, who you what to marry, what you want to be when you grow up. When I was 14, I thought I had met the guy I was going to marry. I know what you’re thinking; you were 14. Of course you thought you were going to marry him! You were young, and immature. You didn’t even know what love was. I promise you, this was a love that changed my life.

In the LDS culture, finding that one special person that you will be sealed to for time and all eternity is pounded into your head once you hit Young Women’s or Men’s.  Once you’ve graduated high school, men are to focus on a mission, and women are to prepare for their husbands. That is done by furthering your education or work experience, or just working on your relationship with the Lord. The other thing women are supposed to do is date. Men are to date as well, only after their missions have been completed.

The problem is, a lot of young adults get into relationships in high school. Seeing as young men go on missions around 19 years old, this leaves a lot of girls home waiting for their return. Some of these couples decide not to play the waiting game. They will break up beforehand, and promise to write. Some young men don’t want their girlfriends to be sitting at home for two years just wasting their youth. Other couples decide that they are going to wait for each other. They make this vow which is really only attainable on one end (since only the girls who are home can date).

How much I wish I could go back and not wait. How I wish he would have insisted more firmly that I should be out dating. But I knew I only wanted him. Why would I waste my time dating losers who didn’t care about me like he did? Why date men that didn’t share the same faith, and who I didn’t find attractive? I couldn’t see a point in it. Of course, in hind sight, I see it all too clearly. I see what my decision has done to my life, and to my personality of all things.

 This is the story about how I waited.

At 14 years old, almost 15, I was just learning the importance of my friends. I loved going to their houses, and begging my mom to let me have sleepovers. That rarely worked, unless it was my birthday. I was also learning about the internet. How fun! This was back when MSN Messenger and AIM were the main means of communication for teenagers. Well, that and handwritten notes dropped in lockers, or passed in between classes.

With these messaging systems, you would get a lot of random people who found your email address and would just add you. So you would somehow be talking to strangers. Yes, our parents taught us about stranger danger! We just didn’t care! They couldn’t see us, or know where we lived unless we told them. Mostly, it was just fun to have random conversations with people you didn’t know. Sometimes, your friends would give you and email, and tell you to add that person.

I think this was the instance with how I met him. Yes, the him who changed my life. He had somehow been texting a friend of mine. She wasn’t exactly known for her frugal nature regarding her body. I believe that his email was passed to my twin sister, who said he was too “goody-goody” for her, and then she passed it to me.

His name is Arah. He was 16 years old, almost 17 that night we started messaging. And what a night it was! This was the longest conversation, via technology, that I had ever had with anyone! Including my friends! We also had a rule at our house limiting the time we spent online. I can say that I definitely broke that rule. It was almost a 10 hour conversation. I wish I could remember that conversation. Or had it saved word for work. I knew after that conversation that I really, really liked him. Especially because once we signed off, we promised that we would sign back on around 11 am to continue talking. We did, and that was another 5 hour conversation.

I couldn’t wait to meet him! I was also really nervous. Only because I knew the whole “stranger danger” thing! I listened to at least meeting people online! How sometimes they can be 50 year old men waiting do defile you. So I wanted to make sure. Apparently the way I decided to do that was to continue to IM him.

One night stands out in my head. I had finally convinced my mom to let he have a sleep over at my friend Brooke’s house. There were a couple of problems with this, though. My sister and I are notorious for getting violently homesick. That and I was still in the “honeymoon” phase of talking to Arah. Looking back, I feel so terribly bad about how I treated Brooke that night! Right when I got to her house, I logged on to her computer, and talked to Arah until 11 pm or so while she watched TV. I am such a bad friend! By the time Arah was going to bed, and I was signing off, my stomach had started to hurt. I joined Brooke on the couch and we watched music videos. At about 1 am, I called my mom and had her come pick me up.

By 7 am, I was back on the computer.

We were finally talking about getting together sometime. He wanted to meet at Lone Peak High. Since I couldn’t drive, and he’s still a stranger, I had to say no. There was going to be no convincing my mom to drop me off at a high school on a night when it’s closed to meet a boy! Instead, we settled on meeting at my house. He was going to bring a friend, and I was having my best friend over.

When he and his friend Shawn finally got there, I just remember being blown away. He was so tall! And he looked just like his photo, which by the way, was so handsome! If I didn’t have the gooey eyed gaze.. And we also played the most intense game of Disney Scene-It. I want to say that Shawn and Arah beat us, or we barely won.  It was just so much fun! I didn’t even care who won. I was just happy to be seeing him in person. I can say to this day, there have been only a couple of guys I have met up with after meeting online that actually looked as attractive as they did in their picture. And I have never since then felt as attracted to any guy as I did him.

I wish I could say we hung out more often after this time. We didn’t. He was in high school I was barely in high school. Not to mention the LDS church has strict rules about dating when you’re not 16 years old. We just continued to message on MSN most days. He turned 17 shortly, and I turned 15. Of course, I had my little crushes and boyfriends in 9^th grade and even 10^th. This was a guy that I had met before Arah, and had kind of carried a torch for. He was the class clown, a total hottie, and a bad boy. But I knew that he was just temporary.  I was biding time until I could date Arah.

I know there was another time that we had a very large group over at our house, and Arah brought a few of his friends, and quite a few of mine where there. I remember we taped a boy named Kendall to a basketball pole in the park across the street. It was freezing that night, and he stayed taped to it for a good 30 minutes. I also remember that night, that I felt like I was being ignored by Arah. So, I was trying to make him jealous and what not. I hung out with his other friend, Jeremy. He was going into the army and was kind of a strong and quiet type. I am pretty sure I laid in the grass by him, until Arah joined. I know. It was an immature move. But it worked.

I think the next time I got to hang out with him, I was finally 16. We might have had the odd meet up at random places like fairs and stores, but he was set on the not dating until I was 16. And when I finally turned 16, he came to my huge birthday party with another girl. I think her name was Shelby? I really don’t remember, except that I was crushed. All of my other girl friends where hanging out with my guy friends, getting their flirt on. A few of them even went outside and made out! That was so shocking to me, too. Oh, Beans and Ben.

I knew I had to be okay with him dating this girl. We had become such close friends after 2 years of talking. Whether it was on the phone or IM, we talked a lot and about pretty much everything. I remember cheering him on when he was doing practice SAT’s and other tests. We were very close.

Eventually, I finally got my date with him! I might have been 16 still, or closer to 17. I really don’t remember everything we did. The best part was when it got dark, we went to a little pond over by Lone Peak High that had a trail around it. I remember I was wearing high heels and he wanted to go on a walk. I kicked off my shoes, and we laughed as we walked around the pond. He chased me a couple of times, tickling me. And, at one point, he decided to take a detour through some weeds. He was attempting to talk me into walking into them with him. But there was no way! I was not going in there in my heels, or barefoot! There could have been bugs or mice. So he just wandered for a minute, and then joined me on the trail again, and eventually took me home.

At this time in my life, we were moving to Herriman. That is a whole other story. The only relevant thing is this: I was staying at my house alone. All of my family was up at the other house getting things put away. We really didn’t have much left in our Pleasant Grove home. But he came inside. He chased me around, tickled me, and at one point, threw an exercise ball at me which proceeded to hit me in the face. We threw pillow, laughed a lot, and basically just had a really good time.

When he was ready to leave, I was walking him out to his car. The sprinklers came on, and he pulled me into them where we both got a little damp. I thought he was going to try to kiss me. I really wish he would have, and that if he was going to, I would have let him. That would have been the best first kiss. It also makes me wonder if things would have gone differently for us. That was the last time I saw him until Homecoming at Riverton High.